I want to go home.
The problem I find is that I am sitting at the desk in my house. I am home, or should feel like I am home. But I don’t. This morning I feel the weight of living in the United States and on this planet crushing my soul.
Today I am the true curmudgeon. I have looked at too much social media; less than a half an hour. I see the pointless war with Iran, our crazy, entirely detached Dear Leader talk absolute nonsense, and more attacks on the LGBTQ community. I see these, and I feel like I can do nothing.
Don’t get me wrong. I write to legislators and sign petitions. On occasion, I even call legislators. I post, I write this blog. But on many days, it doesn’t feel like enough. What I want is to be on the streets. I want to scream my rage to power with others.
But I am severely chronically ill. Most days over the last decade, I have spent my entire day in bed in a dark room feeling like I am dying. Not only do I not have the energy to protest, but rarely have the energy to do more than get up to use the bathroom. I have had a constant headache for over 20 years, severe brain fog, full-body pain…it feels like I’ve had a serious flu for decades. My great escape from my dark room is often to see my doctors; but, if I am lucky, I can put enough energy together to go out to see my family, go out to eat, or see friends once a month. But recently, even that has been too much.
So I am angry and bored. My life is illness, and I grieve the life I want. I want to be healthy and active. I really want to be out on the streets protesting, being an activist for those of us in the U.S. who need and want change.
I want to go home.
I want to live in a country that extends the same rights and freedoms to everyone, regardless of skin color, religion, gender, or disabilities. I want to feel safe instead of scared that we are the greatest contributor to global climate change that may kill us all. I want children to feel safe from all forms of violence. I want our government to care for its citizens, not just how to make money. I want and I want. But to be honest, I want the world of Mr. Rogers. Naïve? Absolutely. Nevertheless, Mr. Rogers showed us how to be the best humans we can be. We can be better, do better.
But the curmudgeon in me knows that wanting does little without action, and I have very little energy left for much beyond surviving. So I write in this dark room, not really for others to read, but so I can survive the wanting.
I want to go home to a place that has never existed except for in books, Star Trek, and with Mr. Rogers. I want safety and peace.
For all of you who can and do fight the daily battle to change this country, I am fully indebted. You are doing the work that will make this country a better place to live. I wish I could be there with you.
Good morning to another day. May we all do our best, regardless of what that may be.
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